natbikes.com

Before I start on the story, I want to underscore, that, as always, any illegal
content of this BLOG is purely fictional. Also that, though consider myself to be smart, I generally don’t plan ahead and think of possible consequences.
Just 2 minutes ago I made myself cry. I was brushing my teeth, and noticed a pair of scissor tweezers. Since I don’t want to touch my Alaska beard, I decided to find, and tweeze some NOSE hairs. … … it hurt much much more than the time when I wondered if a paper staple had the ability to pierce a human fingernail.

So, working man that I am, I hop into Kevin’s bused Element to walk the dogs, the last dog of the day is a new one, Jasper. I was at his house 2 summers ago, but haven’t walked him since. So I find the ‘Jasper’ key on my custodian style hoop, and tromp through the fresh -15C powder to his house.

The key slides into the lock, but ice or something must be keeping it from turning. 10 seconds later, I’m still jimmying with the door, when a lady on the other side of the door, holding a phone yells at me. Odd, she must have assumed Sheri would be walking the dog today. ‘Hey Mam, it’s OK’. Or. maybe. I have the wrong house. I knock and ring the doorbell a few more times, but she’s run off hiding. So I write her a note explaining that I walk dogs, leaving my name and phone number, which I tell her I’m leaving and walk away. A neighboring lady, says that she doesn’t know who lives there and can’t help me, so I hop in the Honda, and dive 40m.

Lights and Sirens

Two squad cars come swooping down the hill boxing me in. I’m half way over to the closest car, to explain this mis-understanding, the cop is fumbling with the door, screaming at me to stop approaching his car. To put my hands on my car, and spread my legs. My dog leash is confiscated, along with toque, and pen, I receive a thorough search. Yes I have a pocket of dog cookies. No, I do not have a wallet, or any photo ID with me. Yes the credit card belongs to my friend Kevin, who also owns this car. (can you see why it was looking bad for me?) Handcuffs go on tightly I am thrown in the back of the squad car.

I am told not to speak, read my rights, told not to speak, as they will investigate and get back to me. After having expired plates for 2 weeks randomly 3 days ago. I am sitting there giggling to myself. Then the lack of circulation from the cuffs starts drawing more of my focus. These cuffs are real deal, not the plastic, or fuzzy kind that the archbiker might play with.

The fuzz returns, and try calling Kevin’s cell, and home numbers to see if I have permission to have his car, and credit card, no one is answering. Things aren’t really looking terribly good for our fearless who, we leave cuffed, trapped, with a stolen car, captured & arrested after a botched burglary.

The updated status of the cars involved in last weeks collision. They are undergoing just over $6000 of work in the shops - minor damage. My beloved Subie, which I only drove 25 days last year for around 18000 kilometers.

So the last 20 minutes (of the 40 I’ve been in custody) I have been futilely trying to explain my case. The main thing I’m missing is proof, proof of anything. Then they try calling the phone number that I left at the house ‘I was breaking into’, and the pink phone which was in my pocket rings. Next, they go to the house which I have deduced to be Jaspers - and there’s a anxious dog fitting his description sitting there. So the cop agrees to drive to Kevin’s so that I can retrieve my wallet, and hopefully Kevin (who’s home ’sick’ can collaborate that I was driving his car, buying caulk with his visa, with his permission). The handcuffs are loosened, allowing blood back into my hands, and cuffed in-front of me, with my hands locked, thumb to pinky parallel to each other. ‘Do up your seatbelt’ - with the plexiglass wall, there’s not a lot of elbow room back there, not to mention the cuffs make this very very difficult.

Kevin doesn’t know my birthday (which just proves he’s straight) but confirms that I’m Nat. YES, cuffs off. Well to avoid bring more light on the shaky house of cards, I’m released, and in the clear. Back to the 2 dogs in the Element sitting in the middle of the intersection (locked with flashers on).

+ Now that both the cops in town know who I am, I don’t need to carry a wallet any more.
Well I hope that everyone reading survived January 22nd. It’s the day which you were most likely to commit suicide - winter, post Christmas debt, failing new years resolutions, lack of sunlight are all contributing factors. For myself, I had a great day, running on an inch of fresh powder, through the Gatineau Park while the sun shone between the pine boughs.

The spokepost entries are going to be getting phased out, so bookmark this site and save yourself wasting more time.

For the record, if I owned a house, and if someone was jimmying with the door, and I lived in a quiet area… well I’m really miffed that the lady called the cops first. Even if the cops said she was very frightened - lady you owe me a beer.